HEY, EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY.

♥

Hey Zengarmy,

I've been thinking a lot about this quote lately, and how frustratingly
oblivious I still am towards this small, little fucking thing called love.
I'm not so sure about online dating anymore. This post is a note to self,
but I'm putting it on my blog as a gentle reminder to all of us who are
on the same journey of self-healing, to stop depending on other people
to love us the way we should love ourselves. Not too long ago (in fact
it was just yesterday), I received a comment on my last post, asking
about my progress with J — and all I could really do was to lie down
on my bed, and cry. I am, not that sure about anything, anymore.

It's over between me & J.

He loves me not.

You thought I would've known better after a couple of my previous
encounters with some fuckboys who grew their brains in their ball
sacs & their balls in their skulls (oh wow did I just randomly create
a rhyme? *pats self on the shoulder*), but no — I'm still that foolish
boy who loves totally, tenderly, and tragically. Still that foolish boy
who falls in love with boys who do not want commitment, who take
me as a plaything they can toss aside after they're bored with me,
who see me as another trophy in their boys-I-have-toyed-feelings-
with collection. Like many other fuckboys, J is just another one.
But oh dear, I really loved him. I really love him. I still love him.

And I hate myself for that. I have no idea how many more blows my heart
can take before it fully crushes — every time I see a silhouette or hear a
voice that reminds me of him. I knew I had to let him go, and I did. Block
his number, checked. Delete all of his pictures from my gallery, checked.
Unfollow him on Instagram, checked. I cut him off from my life, and I'm
the only one who's running out of oxygen to survive. There will be days
when I woke up feeling like a champ, but today is one of those many
days that caught me completely off guard. I missed him, so, so much.

I guess the only thing I can do right now is to embrace the pain, huh?
A few days ago I was sitting down and having dinner with my friend
at an eatery, and I saw a Persian guy (this is the most tea I will spill)
around my age holding hands with a Chinese girl and sitting down at
the table just in front of me — and I properly balled my eyes out.
The thought of seeing him falling in love with another person who's
not me is still too much for me to handle at the moment, knowing
that I was, probably just another experiment for him to explore his
bisexuality. Unknowingly, I landed myself in the same situation as
the one in Call Me By Your Name, and it was not a fun experience.

Oh I'm so fucked right now.
Love can be such a painful
thing, when it turned sour.

This post is a complete mess — an exact representation of how I'm feeling
inside out right now. There's so much more that I could write down here,
but right now I'm a mess, a complete mess. And I just wanted to create
something. All these visuals are snippets of my thoughts that cannot be
explained better in words (and I thanked Tumblr for that, lol). I also
made a Spotify playlist out of all these messy feelings, so enjoy that!

I guess I will see you in my next one. Bye for now.